I spent the night trawling the shops for something. Anything he’d actually want. I managed to find a belt with a superman belt buckle, grindhouse on blue-ray, a huge jar of sweets and a bottle of cava. Done. It was exhausting. Why can’t people just exist in a minimalistic environment and then there would be no issue finding them gifts.

We went to the pub quiz. Me, my housemate (Z) and a friend (K). With the Porn Director (PD). I need them to give me their genuine input and they genuinely seem to like him. Score.

Well, after the pub quiz we had a bit to drink and went back to mine and had sex. He drove me to work in the morning and I sat staring at my computer feeling pretty disappointed with myself. I don’t do this.  I’ve never done this. It’s not how I roll. Well, I did roll… literally… with him.

So after telling my girl buddies and them reassuring me that it’s what people do these days I felt less annoyed with myself. So I grew some balls and got on with my day.

We danced until 3am and then headed home where we drank some more before heading to bed at 5am. It was immense. The next morniing I was blessed to not have a headache and drove the PD home.

It wasn’t always the case but this year has been different and I loved every second of it! I got home on Friday after work and peeled and prepped all the veg for Xmas day. I even sent some veg porn piccies to my friends… my life is that tragic!

I drove my little bro to midnight mass and then, at 2am, I went to bed.

Xmas day was fab. I went for a 4 mile run. Then I showered and I wore a black cardigan and skirt and leopard print pumps. Fit fit fit. I didn’t really specify anything I wanted and I got some lovely gifts. I received make up, a dressing down, fat pants (I have raved about them in the past), running bra, laundry bag, an iPod dock (weird… I don’t have an iPod!) and an iPod Nano… Ah… the mystery is solved!

I LOVE MY IPOD NANO! It’s pink and tiny and glorious! Before my nano I had an MP3 which was clocking on for 5 years old. I’m one of those people who won’t buy something unless I genuinely need it. I won’t give in to things that I want very easily. It may seem brutal but it’s kept me out of debt and one day I’d like a home. So I was reluctant initially but once I investigated it was love… pure love. Not only have I got 340 songs on there but I can get radio AND it has a little pedometer! Bliss!

Anyway, I bought my mum a nice big bunch of flowers and some vest tops and I got my dad some coffee mugs and coffee. My little brother a t-shirt and sweets and my big brother a book he asked for and some sweets.

I helped lay the table and we chowed down. It was lovely.

So, less of the family bliss and more of the dating stuff…

Last time I updated the porn director hadn’t been in touch. It turns out he was on set for 5 days without a phone or computer. I got a facebook message explaining and the hottest. picture. ever. I think he thought he looked bad – he was trying to show me how he’d been without a shave for 5 days. Admittedly, he looked tired but also a little like David Beckham… n-i-c-e. So it seems perhaps I was premature with my assumption. We’ll see what happens.

In other dating news I was emailing a guy who seemed okay but once I spoke with him on the phone realised we were not a good match at all. I may also have a date with someone else on Wednesday but it’s yet to be confirmed.

I say date like ‘date’ because it was more out of the blue. We’d planned to do something on the Monday but I had a hectic day on the Tuesday and needed my beauty sleep so he asked if I wanted to go over on Sunday afternoon to help decorate his tree.

Well, what sort of Christmas Elf would I have been if I’d said no?!

Off I toddled to his house (I was impressed I could find it again!) and we decorated his tree and watched Family Guy. I was very aware of myself. I think it’s because he is a lovely guy. Obviously as a result I think I just came across as a bit of a fool! That’s what I get for being out of the dating game for such a long time.

So now it’s almost a week later and I know he’s been busy and so have I but I suspect I may not see him again.

Hey-ho. I refuse to feel disappointed. I’m not sure what he was looking for. Perhaps something that would move faster than I was willing to in which case it’s not a great loss to me.

Back to the drawing board.

Friday morning I wake up at half 9. Unusual for me. I ate (I eat a lot these days!) and slung on my jogging gear and jogged in to town to pick up foundation and blusher. I get a text.

‘tell me all the details!’ – D

I tell her how I liked him and while I was wittering on he kissed me.

I get another text from someone else.

‘how’d it go?’ – N

I reply ‘I like him. I’m seeing him again on Monday’

‘aren’t you mean’t to play it all aloof’ – N

I reply (and perhaps a little harshly) ‘I’m too old for that shit.’

‘I just thought men like the chase.’ – N

‘But eventually the chase has to wear of – then what? They lose interest? I’d rather get on from the start.’

This small conversation really threw me. Was I going about it all wrong? I hate game playing. I hate the phoning someone who will constantly divert your call to voicemail but never has any issue with calling you when they need something. Or who can hold out not calling the other the longest. Boring, petty games of heartache and anxiety. I’ve been in them all. I’m sick of it. I’m too old for it and I know what I want these days. I don’t want 6 month affairs. I’d genuinely like something a little more meaningful and solid. I’d like the other person to be as interested. I see friends moving on and I just want a small slice of that.I’m sick of feeling like the disaster that can’t hold down a relationship.

BAKING!

I haven’t done a lot of baking recently. Plenty of jogging and eating easy food but not much baking. I made some peppermint creams which my ma loves.

icing sugar

water

green food colouring

peppermint flavouring

the consistency ideally needs to be so you can pick it up so it’s still a little wet but it doesn’t stick to your hands. Put on to a baking sheet about the size of 10 pence pieces.

The other baking I did was some allspice, banana and sultana cookies. They didn’t turn out like the chewy plain ones I usually make – they came out fluffier but they smell good.

80z butter

8oz sugar

12oz s/r flour

2 chopped bananas

dash of all spice (I was hefty with it!)

2 handfuls of sultanas

mixy mix mix and put on baking tray which ever size you desire and bake in a 200 degree oven for 15 mins.

I went on my first date since single status was taken on back in October.

I was so nervous. I spent the day in my PJs and at around 4pm I had a shower and put on black trousers and a black round neck sweater. Realising I looked like I was going to a funeral so put on my leopard print pumps. No one would wear those to a funeral right?

Also – like sod’s law dictate I had the worst spot ever between my top lip and my nose. Shit shit shit. So I tried out lots of make up methods to cover it best I could and then ruffled my hair. I’d have taken a picture but I’m not sure you would have appreciated it. I wasn’t feeling confident with my look. I did do a bit of digging around with the port director and from our discussions I think i could deduce he was a boob rather than bum man and he mentioned he liked kissing so I made an effort to make my lips look really lush. I think this could be classed as the ‘when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.’

So… I turn up with my heart racing… proper racing. I haven’t been on a date since, well… August 2009. What if he really does not like me. I’m conscious of my spot and that my hair is not doing what I want it to do. I buy a diet coke. Now… should I buy him one? Is that dating etiquette? I don’t know so I forget about it and sit in a booth and try to focus on anything else in the bar but fail miserably.

He turns up. I literally break a sweat. He’s lovely. Really lovely. He has a great smile and he’s tall and has the kind of hair you want to run your fingers through. That’s right. I said it. I want. To run. My fingers. Through his hair! Don’t judge me!

So he gets a beer and we chat for a while. It doesn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable at all. I was worried that we would have nothing to talk about since  we’d been talking so much on email. He has a few quirks which put me at ease. We bantered about everything and although his job is really unusual it’s really interesting. We chatted about Christmas and presents and family arguments! I then opened up a little and told him some of the dysfunctional aspects of my family which caused me not to spend much time at home over Christmas. It was at that point, while I was smiley and laughing about something which, at the time, had caused me heartache and unhappiness that he leant in and kissed me.

I’m not used to guys liking me or being attracted to me… I’m awkward and geeky and clumsy. I say strange words like ‘oh my god’ and ‘awesome’ a lot. Mid kiss I muttered ‘Why are you doing this?’ he immediately stopped. What guy wouldn’t. It’s not what you want to hear from the girl that you are kissing. The thing is, in my paranoid mind, I assumed he was doing it to make me shut up! I guess perhaps he saw a vulnerability that he wanted to protect. He replied ‘I just really wanted to do that. You’re pushing me away so I’m assuming that…’ and mid sentence I kissed him back. I like him a great deal. I feel like I know him because we’ve talked so often.

We talked until about half ten and I offered to drive him home as he’d had a few beers. He was quiet in the car and I wasn’t sure if he was regretting his actions or what but we got back to his and he invited me in. My friend’s words echoed in my head about ’1st date etiquette’ and allowing men to chase blah blah blah. I accepted and went in. It was a true bachelor pad. Well, I say that but I would have happily lived there. I couldn’t get around the fact he worked from home and there was little structure to his working week and he was completely motivated to get his work done from his own steam. I am more than sure I would be obese and unemployed if I were ever told to work from home. Everything would be distracting and I’d eat everything in sight. Anyway, back to the date. I looked around and we chatted and I watched some of his work which was really, really good stuff. I kissed him again and made my way home.

So my realisations from the date were…

1. I am so out of the game. I don’t know how to date at all. I feel like I’m on a job interview and have to perform somehow. I struggle to relax and be myself.

2. I really like this guy… which is obviously great because some dates can be so horrendous. I can feel myself panicking though. What do I do now? I’m seeing him next week but some friends have said ‘be aloof’ and ‘play the game’ but when I hear that sort of thing I start to panic. I don’t want to get in to a dating scenario where we play games. It’s so unpleasant and uncomfortable. I can’t think of a better way to make 2 people unhappy. I think because sometimes I don’t like me I don’t know how anyone else will possibly like me. What about when I’m in a temper or I don’t have make up on… blah blah blah.

Solution: I’m just going to take it in my stride. I don’t want to chase or be chased or make someone unhappy in any way. I think we get on and have a similar humour. I don’t want to be annoying or irritating and I certainly don’t want to sideline friends like I may have done in the past. I guess it’ll work out if it’s meant to.

What’s the strangest/best/worst date you’ve ever had and why?

If I want to date 6 men at one time without committing or sleeping with any of them then I’m quite entitled to.

Yesterday I started talking to an odd candidate who seems extremely interesting and humorous. An Adult Film Maker.

When we first started talking to each other alarm bells went off in my head. What sort of man does it take to work in an industry like that?And wouldn’t he have extremely high expectations of a woman seeing as he is around tits and ass ALL. DAY. LONG!

The beauty of email is you can be as blunt and forward as you like and if the other person doesn’t like it then it doesn’t really matter. So you never speak again – no great loss. So I asked. Why would a guy like him surrounded by attractive sorts all day and networking constantly have any need to be on a site like that.

He claims the kind of people in the industry are a bit high strung and nuts and it’s just not what he’s after.

As ever I gave the benefit of the doubt. We’re going for a drink next week!

Having dated a military man would I ever do it again?

Having been ignored and feeling as though I loved him far more than vice versa my answer surprised me.

I definitely would.

I want to believe that his job had nothing to do with it and that he was just not in a ‘relationship’ place. I want to think that military men, especially in the higher ranks (no offence squaddies!), are still chivalrous.

I know a coupleof women who are military WAGS and I still envy what they have. Their OHs do an incredible job and even better the wives get to be the unwavering support. Given another chance I would date another military man and second to that I would not change one inch of the way I behaved in the last military relationship. If you can find and fall for a military man who feels equally passionately about you I fiercely believe you are on to a winner. Women rely on them for their love and care and they need the support of a woman to feel loved and cared for especially when they’re away. I think it’s a beautiful show of team work.

I guess it takes a double kicking before I learn my lesson where military men are involved.

Sad but true. So besides my selfish wanting. My bruised pride and ego aside.

I want love on a level playing field. I want to give it out and I want to receive it back in equal amounts. I don’t want to be the person who doesn’t care what the other does and I don’t want to be the person who chases and chases and is riddled with anxiety. I want to feel secure and fullfilled and safe. I want to know that it’ll be a partnership and not a battle. No matter what the other does we’ll know we have each others back.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find these qualities. Maybe I ask too much. But I wish for them. I wish for them so much. Just to find someone similar to me. Someone who can appreciate me and the fact that sometimes I’m moody and grumpy and I can be difficult. Someone who can stand up to my temper.

I’m glad this week is a bit busy - I find I’m thinking too much.